For the next two weeks, I feel led to share some reflections with
you from my journal...
“I feel so lost. I feel
like I am in silent torture. I miss
Allie so much that it actually hurts. I
try to not think, but the feeling is ever present. I want to trust God, I really do, but I am
afraid. Afraid of trusting in a God who
allows His children to suffer. I do
understand, but then I don’t.
Why does
faith have to be tested and tried in the fiery trials of life? The silence is deafening. I wish I could escape. But escape to where? There is no where to go. I feel like the writer who said if I go up to
the mountains you are there. If I go to
the depths you are there. Even in death
you are there.
I know that God is here,
but I am afraid. I don’t want to yet
face Him. I know He loves...or at least
that is what we are taught and I do believe it.
But I fear what He wants. My
heart aches because of the pain He has allowed.
But do I now come to Him for the healing? I know this is the drawing of my heart or is
it the drawing of the Spirit? I fear
that my vision of God has been greatly wrong.
It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God. I know, but I don’t know. I understand, but I don’t. I believe, but I don’t. What a wretched man that I am. Or is it that I am simply an honest man?
Vile
images. Painful images. Torturous images of that day. I hate it.
I want to change it. But I can’t.
I am nothing and in charge of nothing. I
control nothing. I am a servant, not a
master. Forgive me Lord for my wrong
view and thinking. Help me to be as you
want me to be. Help me to look to you
again...even though I fear what I may see, give me the courage and strength to
look upon you again... to be changed by you.
Into your hands that I do not yet see nor feel do I entrust myself this
day, amen.”
Jeff Powell
