More reflections from my journal...
“Lord, I feel as though I have gotten nowhere, but yet somewhere
is where I have gotten. You have been
training me. I have not always
cooperated, nor liked it. Please forgive
me for my unwillingness.
In many ways I have
become lazy and yet in others I am more fit than ever. Such is the contradiction. One moment I can be fine and the next,
fighting a torrent of tears - like last night.
The images I still fight. Even
now my eyes are filled with tears ready to burst at the thought of her on that
day.
Thank you Lord that we are not left
to our own vices and ways. Thank you for
giving us a map - a path - your word.
Forgive me for not taking it as my daily delight. Many fears run rampant in my heart. Mostly, I am afraid to trust you. I am fearful that I am being set up for yet
another painful torrent and trial. And
the reality is that I may. For surely
trials will come, so in one sense we are always being set up for the next
“event” in our lives.
But then on the
other, surely there are seasons of rest.
Seasons of fruitfulness. Seasons
on the mountaintop. Could this be one
that He is leading us to? I would like
to hope so, but in that is pain and futility because in reality no one, but He
knows. And possibly that is the
point. To rest in the now - in what is
before us today - in what we know, not in what we don’t know. Sure we can speculate, but where does that
get us? More worry. Help me to see the now and to accept the now
as it is, not as what I want it to be and not even as it will be tomorrow, but
as it is today.
I love you Lord and want
to trust You. Lead me day by day to
trust in you, not for tomorrow and the next and the next that has yet to
happen, but simply for today - for what is now.
Amen.”
I hope my vulnerability has in some way helped you.
Jeff Powell
